蔡沁轩

你知道为什么世上一天内会有怎么多人死亡吗？
就是因为你的那张嘴！

一张嘴，
可以害死很多人！
甚至可以把一个完整的家搞得乱七八糟！

就因为受不了群众的压力，
导致一个正常人变得不正常！
这个不正常的人到最后也受不了压力自杀了！

我就在中间半天吊，
因为我离不开也逃不掉！

只因为你，
蔡沁轩！

Bad Mood...

Am not going to tolerate...
No matter you like it or not...
I want to FOCUS on my studies and my Baby King's health...
Parents don't have the right to step in when problems occurs between us and give whatever comment they think...

The elders are the one who always taught us not to talk people behind their backs...
And look what they are doing?
Your generation of thinking doesn't fit in this 21st century...
So please let me do it my way with my life...
I would very much appreciate that...

NEW LIFE = NIGHTMARE (Part Eight)

Long time did not update what has been going on...
Now finally have the time to do so...
Here goes another annoying story from me...

Well...
He went to Korea as planned...
It was a company trip...
He was gone for almost a week...
And HOORAY for me...
Because am staying at my house with Baby King...

It was nothing...
Everything was so peaceful...
Except for Baby King was teething...
So for almost the whole week it was suffering because of having fever, flu, cough and so on...
Took him to the doctor and the doctor gave him about 7 kinds of medicine to eat...
Poor him...
But the happy days didn't last long...
When he break the news to me that...
He had spend all his money to buy a very expensive boots in Korea...
All he left was just the babysitter's salary...
I was like WTF...

I know that this is your first time out take flight and out from this country...
But you don't have to spend all of your money and buy things you don't really need...
Plus...
Where got such stupid people will went to Korea and buy Adidas boots?
And because of this...
Make my day even worst...
Taking Baby King to the doctor waste me almost all my allowance...
And was thinking that can claim from him...
But...
ISH!!!

Then...
I was angry for about two days and refuse to go home with him...
and I don't really remember what the hell happened...
We had a big fight...
During the "war"...
The only thing he say that makes me happy is...
He told me to stay there (my house) as long as I want...
Don't come back also never mind...
And my reaction was like...
OH YEAH!!!

Until not long after...
He SMS me and asked me to go home with him...
And I was forced to follow him home...
Because there is something I need to use is in his house...
So I went back with him...

And when i was back...
Guess what happened?
His mother was so DAMN "POLITE"...
She put all Baby King's things that was previously in the basket at the living room in to my cabinet...
It was so messy until I had to clear it up again...
Of course...
I was angry...
DAMN ANGRY!!!

If she put it on my bed I won't be so pissed about it...
At least don't go in to my room when I am not around to find people's things...
It is not right and you know it...
Besides...
I am quite tidy and stubborn about the way I put my things...
Guess what i found out?
My cabinet was all opened by someone...
WTF!!!
Obviously that someone was looking at my stuff...
I hate people touching my things without asking me about it...
And someone important to me too...
Makes me more dislike you because you are the one who lectured me about all the moral stuff and let's see what you have...
Just let me shout out one word to ease my anger...
GO TO HELL!!!

His mother seriously...
Beh tahan!!!
She is the one that promise to help me watch after Baby King in the first place...
So she as my elder I had to listen to her...
This is what he told me when I married him...
And I listen to her about stop on breast feeding Baby King...
And look what happened not long after Baby King didn't had breast milk...
Obviously his immune system its not that good...
And he got lung infection and had to stayed in the hospital for 8 long suffering days...
I am not blaming her...
I am blaming myself because I didn't stand up for myself and for my son too...

Now you are not taking care of Baby King anymore...
To me...
From the point of view I see...
You are the one who don't want to take care of Baby King...
Why are you always have to steal him away from me whenever I was home with Baby King?
Plus...
Again...
Without asking some more...

Please...
Before you lecture people...
You have to think about the whether you have the same problem too...

The other day...
After I went back home...
His sister came in to my room and I taught she was only playing with him...
And I was unpacking the things with him that he left for me to "clean" after coming back from Korea...
Then...
The moment I turn my back to see what is Baby King doing...
I saw her carrying him away from the bed and I was looking at her...
She looked back...
She looked at me and tole me that her mother wanted to play with Baby King...
I finally beh tahan say her : You want to take my son out you don't know how to ask first is it?
OMG!!!
That felt so great...
Then...
Without saying anything she left with Baby King...
Then I turned to my husband and say...
Your mother want to play with the grandson she don't know come and carry him ah?
My husband just diam diam at there...
If you asked for permission and if the condition allows...
Sure I will let you do whatever you want...

This makes me remember of another incident...
I borrowed my camera to Lun to take pictures in Korea...
And I don't know and don't want to know about it...
He left the camera in his siblings house...
Then...
His parents went to take the camera...
Go take camera mai go take camera lor...
You take a on the process of recovering baby go for what?
I said NO already but they still bring him out...
Plus it is raining some more...
I was angry and posted my feeling in FB on purpose...
No offense of saying this...
But I am seriously lack of words to describe them...
Except for...
NO BRAIN!!!

Okay...
So long for now...
Expressed all the anger and boy it feels better...
So long for now...
Wish me luck for the future with no worries...
Wish me luck for the future that I can have my own house... =)

NEW LIFE = NIGHTMARE (Part Seven)

Today...
I am seriously very unhappy when Ms Beh break the news to me...
I feel like crying...

Ms Beh told me that I'm BARRED from my HHR final exam...
I was in schocked!
So am I now...
Still not believing that I had been BARRED from exam...

For most of the reasons that I skipped the class is because I woke up late...
Due to need to take care of baby King, do homework, do assignment, work and tidy up the room until late night...
Plus...
Every morning I need to call him up like a thousands of times...
I know that he is very tired...
But there is nothing much that can do when you don't have a car for me to bring baby King to the baby sitter...
Well...
No matter he is in the afternoon shift or in the morning shift...
He also had to get up early to send baby King to the baby sitter...
And there is sometimes that I am in the morning class and he was in the afternoon shift...
This situation is really making me CRAZY!!!

I'm getting a second thought on our marriage...
I would just like to leave...
I would just like to give up...
I am seriously very tired...
I am sorry...
What a woman got to do what a woman got to do...

Since I'm married...
My attendance record is not that good...
It's either LATE or ABSENT...
I want to make it right...
I want to move back to my mother's house...
I want to just FOCUS on my studies...
I want to just FOCUS on my baby King...
I want to just TAKE CARE of my family...
My mother espeacilly...
Doing a lot of part time in order to let us have a good life...
Since daddy died...
She had been a very very hard time on raising us...
I didn't even know that she had her heart surgery...
Every time I think about this...
I cried...
I am not there to accompany her...
I want to grab my chance to accompany her and do what I can to be by her side before it is too late...
Even now...
Baby King's diapers, food, toys, walker...
Whatever baby things you named it...
She pay for it...
NOT the father!!!

So the conclusion is...
I will be moving back to my house when he went to Korea for holiday for a week...
And I will go back to his house...
Because to me...
His house is like a HOSTEL to me...
I put my things there...
Have my shower...
I slept there...
And when the sun arise...
I'm out for the day...
Since is like that...
I am going to move back at least until I am graduate...
Otherwise...
He need to buy a house for the three of us to stay with...

NEW LIFE = NIGHTMARE (Part Six)

最近真的有如天跌下来的感觉；
不好的事情，
不好的感觉，
一连串的发生！

前天联络到屋主去看屋子
他因为做晚班
所以就有可能没办法去看
那他就提议说叫他爸陪我去看
当时的心情就是：
为什么每当我们小两口要做什么之前都要向他的父母说？
我是一个很注重私人空间的人，
我真的很不喜欢别人来插手我的家事！
除非我本人允许他人进入，
不然我对那些人会很反感！
可是他的父母就是这样，
爱管爱给意见！
他也是一个，
什么事都要告诉他父母，
什么事都要问他们意见！
到底我现在是嫁给你还是嫁给你父母？
你都这么大了，
有些事情应该可以自己做决定了，
为什么还要好像三岁小孩子一样，
“妈咪，我这样好不好？”
“爸爸，我可以买这个吗？”
我再这样忍下去总有一天会进精神病院！
我会受不了，
我会想不开，
我会去割手的！
我没有也放弃去插手你管你孩子的事情，
请你们可以不要介入我们小两口的世界吗？
你们有你们管孩子的方法，
孩子一两个星期不去上课也无所谓；
我有我的生活方式，
我不希望我儿子会像你们家的小孩那样！
我绝对会反对把儿子交给你们照顾！

说回当天看屋子的情形，
如果不是我妈咪叫我叫他们去看屋子，
我也懒得去理会他们，
妈咪好心去载他们一起去看屋子，
上车没有跟我妈咪打招呼，
照理说我妈咪是你们的长辈，
一句的问候你们都不可肯问，
那天还说我没家教，
那你们又如何？
这个场面就好像当我妈咪无道！
可恶！
过后他爸爸就开始打电话给他的朋友，
叫他朋友一起来看屋子也不说一声，
那么神秘做什么？

上到去那边，
看了那屋子，
又无声无声的自己跑下楼下去，
没有说一声！
都不知道什么人来的！
看完了，
我妈咪回家先，
而我就等他们跟他们一起回,
会去之前还坐在那边一段时间说废话，
明知道我不会听潮州话还要用潮州话来商量！
这算什么意思？

经过这件事，
我自己有了一个结论：
潮州人，特别麻烦，特别挑剔！

NEW LIFE = NIGHTMARE (Part Five)

Seriously...
I don't know what is wrong with this family...
Or should I say what is wrong with me?
I just DISLIKE everything they do recently...
Maybe because of the incident cause by his sister...

Here goes the story...
Well, his mother's situation is not that stable...
Because maybe he can't accept that her father passed away...
So, she is now in Penang for quite a time...

Before his grandfather passed away...
She was already getting a depression...
So, his father have no choice but to sent his wife home...
It means that the house left us three and them four...

It was okay...
I don't mind tidying up the house and doing some chores...
But, every time I do it...
I GUARANTEE you that it won't last a second...
The next thing you come back...
The house is a MESS again...
WTH!!!

When this happen...
I swear to God that I won't going to clean up the mess again...
Just let it be...
And all his father and brother did was say her...
No action at all...
Since like that...
So I thought...
Who am I to scold her?
Her family also don't want to bother anymore...
Why should I?
Waste my time and energy...
I just hope that my dearest son won't be like her...

And there was the other thing to pissed me off is that...
I really try very hard to forget it and forgive her...
But...
To tell you the truth...
I CAN'T!!!

The story starts on one day she went it to my room to play with Little King...
Then she saw the "SPONGE-BOB"(the thing to tie your hair in a different shape) packet...
Then, she asked that if she could borrow...
At first, I just IGNORE her and PRETEND I didn't heard her...
But she just kept asking...
And that ANNOYED me...
So I agreed to borrow her...
And give it back to me on Friday night...

On Friday night...
I saw the SPONGE-BOB was TIED to a racket...
And she was asleep in the living room...
I was like...
WTF...
A nice SPONGE-BOB...
And it was SUPPOSE TO BE ON YOUR HAIR NOT A RACKET!!!
I was seriously very angry that night...
And my hubby become the victim of my anger...
I'm sorry...

Because I had to work on Saturday...
So hubby bought me the SPONGE-BOB to let me tie my hair easily...
It was a surprise gift from him and it is very special to me...
And on that day...
When I wanted to use it...
I found it BROKEN...
DAMN!!!

I wake him up quickly...
And he become my victim again...
How am I supposed to go to work without it...
And as I mentioned...
This is a special gift from him...
How could she...
Until now, I'm so DAMN angry about it...
Even though that he bought me another new one...
But the original meaning wasn't there anymore...

After that...
I totally IGNORE her...
And won't let her play with Little King...
I am cruel I know...
But when you mess with me and didn't even apologize...
There's your consequences!!!

After that...
On Monday...
Because she have school...
She went in to my room and take the SPONGE-BOB from my room herself early in the morning...
She must have thought that I didn't know...
I just don't want to waste my energy and scold her plus waking up my Little King...
And the way she act...
Reminds me again that...
What his mother said to me few months ago...
She said : " 你读了那么多年的书，你妈妈你老师就没有教你什么是道德吗？"
And look what her precious daughter DID...

I won't be able to forgive because I don't have a BIG heart...
And I won't be able to forget how you hurt my heart so DEEPLY...
I just hope that the SCAR you guys make won't get infected or get worst...

Here...
I feel deeply sorry that I didn't went back to be in mourning...
Because I can't left Little King alone with my mother again...
I don't want to trouble her so much...
Plus Little King is having fever because he had injection...
I need to take care of him...
I don't want to know how they feel or think...
Because it makes me feel guilty for not going back...
It makes me feel like I'm disrespect...

To dear Grandfather of Lun...
Although we didn't have so much time spending with each other...
But I think that you are a strong and a great man indeed...
Because you suffered from lots of illness...
Please do protect Big Lun and Little King with all your mighty powers...
Thank you...
We will be missing you...
Me and Little King will visit you whenever the time allows us to...

P/S : Given up to clean the mess that you guys made in the house...
It's time for you guys to realize that after making SHITS you have to clean it on your own...
By the way, looking for a NEW house and I hope I didn't as soon as possible...
And I found a NEW job...
It was home-based data entry...
Had to wait their calls...
Seriously hope that they call me as soon as possible...
Seriously need money for living... ><''

如果不坚强，懦弱给谁看？

夏至过后，气温急剧升高，整个身体似乎处于脱水状态，迫切地渴望水源，却始终孤立无缘，不可救赎。降水少得可怜，大地被火辣的日光残忍的撕开了无数的口子，喝泥水的孩子用眼神诉说着自己的委屈和期盼，我用最后的残存的力气坚守着自己的梦想和期待。

人 的一生如此短暂，人的生命又如此的渺小，我们能该变的太少太少，很多时候，我们能做的只有无奈的接受，很多事情，也只能随风而去，那些青春年少时的天马行 空早已支离破碎，甚至连零星的碎片也无从追寻；岁月如同手中的细沙，越是握得紧越容易失去，终于我不再年轻，年龄渐渐的写在脸上，留下了流年的痕迹，我开 始想珍惜自己所爱的一切，可始终不能接受不喜欢的东西，依然不能强颜欢笑，快不快乐都暴露无遗，过着最真实的日子。。

从成 人开始，就应该学会独立，不能躲在父母的羽翼下逃避困难，因为他们的银丝提醒着我们，父母老了，将来我们要用强壮的臂膀来守护，把责任放在肩上，并且一无 反顾。人最后只有一个结果—死亡，谁也逃不掉，从生到死的过程里，还得拼命的折腾，如果我懂得了苦难不可避免，还会那么害怕吗？如那不可逃脱的死亡一样， 勇敢的面对，或许趟过了痛苦的河流，就能到达幸福的彼岸，人真的很需要信仰，死至不渝的坚信一些东西，例如，头破血流还在梦想的路上颠沛留离，记得对自己 说：坚持就是胜利；心力交悴也要在真爱未来的时候爱惜自己，鼓励自己：在下一个转角就会遇见。真的，一切不可能随心所欲，人生更不可能一帆风顺，要么坚持 到底，要么永不放弃，我们别无选择，因为我们的生命只有一次。

绝望来临的时候，我会封闭自己，任其自生自灭，我倔强的把坚 强表现出来，我从来都不认为自己是一个内心脆弱外表坚强的女子，我有足够的能量去承受苦痛，我不怕失去任何东西，却又偏执于失去之物，总是觉得只有时间才 能证明一切，如那陈香老酒，越是久远，味道就越是醇香，可是我忽略了时间还可以冲淡一切，没有把事物一分为二来看待。我不知道身为一个女子喜欢冒险到底好 不好，我喜欢选择艰难的路，而且无怨无悔，尽管时常伤痕累累。

生活不相信眼泪，我深信不疑，以致我认为流泪是软弱的表现，所以不轻易掉泪，尤其是人前，最后，我知道了真正的坚强不是不流泪，而是自己亲手拭去眼角的泪滴，随即展开笑容。如果觉得苦，就痛快的哭出声吧，男人哭吧都不是罪，何况是女子？

如果不坚强，懦弱给谁看？没有人可以拯救谁，只有自己才是自己的救世，没有不好的人，只有不好的心态，我不知道未来会怎么样，我只知道，无论怎么样，我都不怕。